Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Comment on this quote Share via Email Print this Page [341-360] of 386 Humor quotesHumor QuotesHumor Previous 20 quotes Next 20 quotes A classic is a book which people praise and don't read.~ Mark Twain Adam was not alone in the Garden of Eden, however, and does not deserve all the credit; much is due to Eve, the first woman, and Satan, the first consultant.~ Mark Twain I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don't get it.~ Mark Twain It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either.~ Mark Twain Observe, I do not mean to suggest that the custom of lying has suffered any decay or interruption -- no, for the Lie, as Virtue, as Principle, is eternal; the Lie, as a recreation, a solace, a refuge in time of need, the fourth Grace, the tenth Muse, man's best and surest friend, is immortal, and cannot perish from the earth while this club remains. My complaint, simply concerns the decay of the art of lying. No high-minded man, no man of right feeling, can contemplate the lumbering and slovenly lying of the present day without grieving to see a noble art so prostituted. ... If this finest of the fine art arts had everywhere received the attention, encouragement, and conscientious practice and development which this club has devoted to it, I should not need to utter this lament, or cry a single tear. I do not say this to flatter. I say it in a spirit of just and appreciative recognition.~ Mark Twain A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.~ Unknown A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.~ Unknown America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.~ Unknown Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.~ Unknown Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.~ Unknown Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.~ Unknown Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.~ Unknown When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.' ~ Unknown Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them.~ Paul Valéry A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.~ Bill Vaughan You want to know my definition of gun control? Being able to stand at 25 meters and put two rounds in the same hole. That’s gun control.~ Jesse Ventura A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.~ Vique's Law In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.~ Voltaire Your book is dedicated by the soundest reason. You had better get out of France as quickly as you can.~ Voltaire The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination.~ Voltaire Previous 20 quotes Next 20 quotes Share on Facebook Tweet Email Print